Frankly, My Dear

Developing the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Damn

While I enjoy many kinds of music, my favorite genre is folk. I really enjoy listening to (and singing!) some of the classic ballads from artists like Simon & Garfunkel, Joni Mitchell, James Taylor, Jim Croce, Carole King, Peter Paul and Mary, and so many more. Folk music can be played anywhere! It is music that usually incorporates acoustic guitars, banjos, harmonicas, and other portable instruments. Most folk songs can even be sung a cappella. If you’ve ever been camping, then you almost certainly have sung folk songs around the campfire!

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The Kingston Trio’s original members: Dave Guard, Bob Shane, and Nick Reynolds.

Among the most well-known folk groups is a group called the Kingston Trio. Known by their trademark blue and white striped shirts, the Trio’s music is such a major piece of Americana that an iteration of the group still tours to this day. Performing such hits as Tom Dooley, Where Have all the Flowers Gone?, Hard Travelin’, Tijuana Jail, and, perhaps most famously, Scotch and Soda, the Kingston Trio’s impact on the American music scene will be felt for generations!

I grew up listening to the Kingston Trio’s music. My dad, an avid fan of the Trio, played his well-worn records and cassettes on the family stereo frequently. And when we got our first CD player, the first disc he bought was a Kingston Trio album. As a child, I developed an affinity for one of the album’s tracks in particular; a song called Greenback Dollar. A ballad about a man who has finally learned to accept himself as he is, Greenback Dollar was fun for me as a child because it contained a (gasp!) four-letter word, repeated over and over again! The song’s refrain includes the lyrics, “And I don’t give a damn about a greenback dollar, spend it fast as I can.” It was fun because I got to sing out loud a word I wasn’t allowed to say otherwise at the top of my lungs without getting into trouble. “It’s fine, Mom! That’s the words of the song! I can’t change the words! I didn’t write them!” It was so freeing to be able to use this (albeit relatively benign) expletive to express myself.

Cover art for the Kingston Trio’s hit song, Greenback Dollar

Where am I going with this? Well, not giving a damn can be a useful skill to hone! These kinds of expressions are helpful to us in our lives! Sometimes we simply have to be like the guy in the song and simply not give a damn. Nonetheless, it can be a challenge to discern when we ought to give a damn and when not. Today we’re going to focus on the opinions that other people have of us. Why? Because dwelling too much on the opinions others have of us is one of the biggest detractors in our success as human beings. Have you ever felt afraid to do something because you were worried about how others would react? Have you ever decided to wear something other than what you really wanted to wear because you were afraid someone would judge you for it? Have you ever participated in an activity you otherwise wouldn’t have wanted to because you were worried about how others would impose shame on you? With nearly 100% certainty, I’m guessing your answers to these questions are the same as mine: Absolutely. And guess what? We don’t need to do that. We don’t need to live in fear of what others think about us.

There’s a quote frequently attributed to Eleanore Roosevelt (although others receive credit as well) that says, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” And you wanna know something? That’s true. Why not? Because we can’t control what others think of us. Heck. I can’t even control my own thoughts. What makes me think I can control the thoughts of others? So, what can we do? We can work on not giving a damn. Not giving a damn about what other people think of us. We don’t need that kind of negativity in our lives. We needn’t let people take up valuable real estate in our heads. There’s so much more important stuff going on than worrying about someone not liking us. If they don’t like us, that’s their prerogative. We don’t have to give a damn. As author and podcaster Mel Robbins says, “Let them.”

Mel Robbins is an author and podcaster. She wrote a fabulous book called The Let Them Theory. You can purchase the book anywhere books are sold, or borrow it from your local library. I highly recommend this book if you’re wondering how to stop giving a damn!

If someone’s opinion of us as humans is so fickle that something insignificant is enough for them to think of us as a “bad person,” then that says more about that person than it does about us. For example, I know for a fact there are people who don’t like that I frequently wear aloha shirts instead of clerical attire. People say things to me like, “You’re a priest, you should dress like it.” I also know people who don’t like that I’m playful during worship and at other times. In a similar way, they’ll say, “You’re a priest, you should act like it.” But there’s no requirement that priests wear specific clothing. Other than a stole during the liturgy, there are absolutely no guidelines. Does this mean there isn’t normative attire for clergy? Of course not. But we’re still clergy when we’re in bathing suits or in athletic jerseys or tank tops and shorts, or any other article of clothing. Does clerical attire communicate something? And is this sometimes useful? Absolutely! But it’s just a uniform. It isn’t a piece of our identity. If someone doesn’t like that I wear aloha shirts? That’s ok. It’s none of my business. I don’t give a damn.

Does everyone appreciate my writing? If you’ve read this far, then I assume you probably at least tolerate it. But on any given article I write, it is usually opened by fewer than half of my subscribers. Do I want you to enjoy what I write? Yes! Does it impact me negatively if you don’t like what I write? Not really. Do you enjoy some of my reflections more than some others? Probably. Is it my business if you don’t like them? Nope.

Sometimes I wear aloha shirts instead of clericals. Does everyone approve? Nope. Do I care? Not really. Will I still do it? You bet!

This isn’t to say our feelings can’t be hurt if people don’t like things about us. I’ve heard lots of hurtful things about me from people I’ve hoped liked me. I’ve heard comments about my weight, my appearance, my haircut, my politics, my theology, and more. But people are entitled to their opinions. I am also entitled to not give a damn about those opinions. Since I’ve been making more and more social media content, I’ve heard criticisms about my views, my beliefs, and even my acting or creative abilities. While I’ve had thousands of people begin to follow my profiles, I’ve also had hundreds unfollow me. And you know what? That’s ok. I’ve had people say things about their views of me as a priest, and about their opinions of how I preach and how I minister to God’s people. And the reality is, I can’t be all things to all people. So, do you know who I’m going to be? Me. I can only be me. And if someone doesn’t like me or can’t accept me for my lumps and bumps, I don’t have to give a damn.

Not giving a damn is freeing. If we’re honest with ourselves, then how many times have we allowed giving a damn to interfere with the things we’ve really wanted to do in life? Have we ever decided not to dance in public because we were worried someone would disapprove? Have we ever decided to not sing because we feared that others would not appreciate our singing? Have we ever decided to not post a photo on our Instagram page because we were worried people would label us as vain and narcissistic? Then it’s time to stop giving a damn. If someone else wants to think not nice things about us, then that’s on them. It isn’t on us. It is not our responsibility to please others. And if they don’t appreciate what we do or how we dress or how we act, then, quoting Robbins again, let them. (Caveat to this: I’m not talking about unkind or cruel behaviors. Those are still not ok. Being ourselves, however, and doing what we have discerned to be the right thing is absolutely ok.)

Are we always in positions to let them? Maybe not. While Bishop Reddall and the Diocese of Arizona have been tremendously supportive of me in my ministry, I have not always had similar experiences. There are people from the Diocese of Utah who to this day refuse to speak to me because they disapprove of the way I advocated for myself when I was being treated unfairly. This is a real consequence when people have authority over us. They can exile us. We might be fired from a job. We might be reprimanded by loved ones. We might be estranged from family members. And while not giving a damn is still something we ought to eventually work toward, it doesn’t have to be done all at once if it’s a decision that will put us in danger.

But you wanna know something? Courage is one of the seven Christian cardinal virtues. Courage does not mean being reckless. It does, however, include taking risks. If we decide to allow ourselves to be silly and to dance on a stage, we are risking that some people might not like our moves. But something magical can happen. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and we decide to take that risk, we are modeling behavior that sets an example and offers permission to others to be vulnerable. I’m positive there are plenty of priests in the Episcopal Church who don’t like that I wear aloha shirts, that I make silly content on social media, that I hand out bubble wands when we celebrate baptisms at St. John’s, or even that I appreciate guitar music in worship (remember, I love folk music!). But you know what? There are plenty of people who are drawn to me for exactly those very reasons. And fortunately, there are plenty of priests who are not like me. So those peoples’ needs are readily met. I don’t need to be all things to all people. And that’s ok. Neither do you. And that’s ok. All you can be is you, and don’t you want to be the fullest expression of you that you can be? Don’t you want to be unapologetically you? I certainly want to be unapologetically me. And I wish I would have started allowing myself to do that a long time ago. I fret over the years I wasted worrying about not being “good enough” for people who didn’t like me anyway.

You know those folk ballads from the 60s and 70s? So many of those ballads are protest songs. They’re songs about doing the right thing, even when the rest of the world seems to want to convince us to do otherwise. Well, those ballads are still applicable today. There isn’t exactly a whole lot of time we have on this planet. Most of us live somewhere between five and ten decades. That’s it. Why should we waste those precious decades living in fear that some people might not like us? They probably won’t. But there are plenty of people we don’t like, either. And it affects those people exactly zero if we like them or not. Just like it affects us exactly zero if they don’t like us. Be you. Be the fullest expression of you that you can be. And if someone else doesn’t like who you are or what you do (as long as you’re not being cruel to people, of course!), then don’t give a damn! You don’t have time for that nonsense. Be kind to others, be kind to yourself, and learn and grow as life moves forward. If you need permission from a faith leader to do that, then here it is. You are loved, you are a blessing, and you don’t need to do anything to prove that to anyone else.